Remembering why I do it.

I've never ever felt this before. My heart is in pain and my mind is consistently cluttered with thoughts of their faces, thoughts, personalities, interests, definition, meaning, hope, brokeness, revival, freedom, and literal being. These young men and women know not of a God of/as love, hope, justice, completeness, helper, best friend, father, creator, but just a God whos there. I wonder how much pain and sorrow i've conflicted with simply being neglegent to our youth group by just being content with myself and my well being. My role as a praise leader can also be defined as a praise fool for being completely caught in myself, for myself, and only myself. I wonder where the years have gone where I would lead worship on fridays and sundays, consistently seeking breakthrough, yet I was simply the man at the gate with no key. "Where is God"?, I continually asked myself. Where is this God that I know to set this youth group free. From the pain of their families, from the pain of their friends, from the pain of mistrusts and insecurities, and from the pains of relationships going astray and simply becoming nonexsistent. "Lord I seek revelation", I would always think to myself. But did I truly seek revelation or was I scared to face who I was and am and who I'm supposed to become? Was I scared because I knew deep down inside I knew I was supposed to do this but became a coward to simply deny it all? Why can I not feel complete with what i've done? Did i accomplish nothing as a "leader"? Did I even attempt to reach out even when I had the chance? These kids deserve so much better and I'm scared because I don't think I'm good enough. All I think about now is them and how much they mean to me. I've come to realize how much I love these kids. How much they mean to me and how much I'm going to mean to them. I realize that God has put me in a position to where I'm at that gate with not a key, but with a sledgehammer. The walls are many but my strength is from Him. I'm simply scared to love these kids, to become attached, to become unconditionally in love with them because I don't want to see them hurt, embarrassed, sad, depressed, or hopeless. I want to see them succeed not only as students but as teenagers growing into adults. I was reluctant but now I'm in all the way. I don't know why I wrote this but it's been on my heart for a while! REVOLUTION BABY, GOD LEAD ME!

This was February?

I looked at this, and surprisingly enough, I still feel the same way.

I see broken hearts and I see people that are trying to reach out desperately to God..

I'm reaching my hand out, and so is God.

I see you Devil. I see you from across the room looking sly and tempting. I'll punch you in the face before I let you in my church.

Have a great night, and for anyone that runs across this, God Bless and be a difference in this world.

The movement..

Speaking out all your pains, frustrations, sadness, sorrows, struggles, and embarrassment.
Admitting the hurt, the humilation, the anger, the lonliness, the depression, and everything that's within.
This is how healing starts.


I am no psychologist, but I do speak on behalf that this is something that I had to go through before open wounds could start closing. This is what I'm going to have to continue to go through.


My heart is deeply connected to all of you, and I hate to see anyone hurt. This is for my family of Seattle Grace. Just know that I am all ears for you guys and I would never tell anything that you did not want me to tell. You have to understand that I am here to help, so please let me help. I promise to give you 100% of my attention and to try to be as wise as God will allow me to be. I promise to be with you, side by side, ready to face any obstacle that's presented. I promise..

Seattle Grace, We are going through a season of "letting go" and "speaking out" and finally "healing" in some aspects of our lives. I am one of many leaders who are here to be here to support you guys. Please do not be afraid..

You are whole because Christ made you whole.
You are beautiful and wonderful because you were made in the image of God.
You are going to be a world changer and a revolutionist.
God will use you to be one of the greatest influences on somebodys life.

I wanna leave off with this.





Jesus wept..

Nothing to serious

I'm trying to turn my worry, anxiety, stress, frustration, disappointment, lingering thoughts, and sadness(you get the point right), in to worship.

What is worship?
Worship is loving the Lord YOUR God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.

I'm a simple man so I simply say that I can not go on another day without Him.

Jesus I pray that this would help me and help whoever reads this.

I pray that You would overwhelm me with your love.
That You would truly suffocate me with a joyous despair.
That You would rid me of myelf, of my sinful ways.
God, I am a sinner that needs the grace of Your Son Jesus.
You are Holy and You are righteous, I need all that You are.
Humble me and guide me in Your will and love.
I want You, so please Lord, meet me where I am.
I trust You. My faith is in You.

In Your name we pray, Amen.

So for the first time in a while I've actually had a desire to write. OK. I totally wrote like a paragraph and erased it all because I was just straight up venting. WELL isn't this my blog? Aren't I allowed too?

Frick.

I just want to scream and go crazy and just punch a very very soft pillow because of everything that has been going on. Call me crazy, but that's how much I love my youth kids. I'll swallow everything I've said. As a leader I'm going to go through some joys, but I'm going to go through some pain and I have to learn how to endure.

I feel like alot has been "PINNED" against the leaders for earlier actions that somehow managed to continue even though we are not doing it any longer.

Let me explain.

We use to go out to eat every Friday night after church because it just felt right. Full cars, empty stomachs, great experience during church, time to talk and not worry about anything. Just being able to relate with everyone one on one, break bread, talk, laugh, and to just have a great time. FUN RIGHT?
Wrong.

The downfall of this was kids getting home past 12 or 1 o clock.

We understand what we did was not just, therefore we stopped doing the whole "applebees" thing so we can respect the parents wishes and concerns. Once my dad got involved I then realized how serious everything was. So I listened to him and I took everyone home right after church was over. Now it just seems that now if someone comes home late or doesn't respond to their parents requests, blame is immediately put on us.

The reason why I write this is so I can explain to everyone why we can't and how much I wish we could.

I preach transparency.

Honestly I cried today out of frustration because no one wants to acknowledge the fact that myself, Ji-Soo, and Josh are trying our fricking hardest to help build a ministry. There are those who support us 100%, but what got to me the most is my parents said something to me that rattled me.

My parents have always supported me, ALWAYS. I don't blame them because everyone is confronting them about the situations of the past, and not me. But when my parents can't even put 100% faith in me and what I'm doing, I really feel like crap. When they say", Why can't I just respect parents wishes", it honestly frustrates me..

I'm not responsible for miscommunication, bad parenting, or lack of responsibility.
and I'm also not responsible for what any youth kid does after church.

So I'll say this again.

I preach transparency.

Please, if you go out, do not associate the word "church" with you guys hanging out. Please it has gotten to a point where we can't be trusted with what we do as leaders.

I speak out of my heart and I speak with love.
This needs to stop, please obey your parents.

I warned you. Hopefully my next post will be more happier! (=

Miracles

Originally I wrote this on July 18th, and now it gets published. It's not everything in my brain, but it gets to the point across.

So recently I've been thinking a lot about miracles. The power behind them. The meaning behind them. I've seen my fair share of God's glory. But why can't we be like Jesus himself and the disciples? Aren't we striving to be like him? Is it a lack of faith that we can't do what they did? I've prayed for people and most of them didn't get healed. Why didn't they get healed? Why doesn't Jesus just grant us that favor and whomever we pray for we get healed? Then do we become big headed? Pride?





Brotha..Sista..look in the mirror. Understand that you are a miracle. God has kept you breathing for this long. Go out and make a difference in this world. Set an example and be change.

Power of ONE

The power of one. Have you ever thought about it? One person could change this world. One person could influence your life. One moment could make or break you. One is better than none.

There was this One man who influenced and continues to influence my life. His name was Jesus. I'm gonna be One person to influence this generation. One can turn into hundreds that can turn into thousands that can turn into millions. One can be the difference.

You can be that ONE.

For Pastor Jay Morgan. One who wanted a nice meaningful blog. One who's going to shake and break. You're welcome.