I've never ever felt this before. My heart is in pain and my mind is consistently cluttered with thoughts of their faces, thoughts, personalities, interests, definition, meaning, hope, brokeness, revival, freedom, and literal being. These young men and women know not of a God of/as love, hope, justice, completeness, helper, best friend, father, creator, but just a God whos there. I wonder how much pain and sorrow i've conflicted with simply being neglegent to our youth group by just being content with myself and my well being. My role as a praise leader can also be defined as a praise fool for being completely caught in myself, for myself, and only myself. I wonder where the years have gone where I would lead worship on fridays and sundays, consistently seeking breakthrough, yet I was simply the man at the gate with no key. "Where is God"?, I continually asked myself. Where is this God that I know to set this youth group free. From the pain of their families, from the pain of their friends, from the pain of mistrusts and insecurities, and from the pains of relationships going astray and simply becoming nonexsistent. "Lord I seek revelation", I would always think to myself. But did I truly seek revelation or was I scared to face who I was and am and who I'm supposed to become? Was I scared because I knew deep down inside I knew I was supposed to do this but became a coward to simply deny it all? Why can I not feel complete with what i've done? Did i accomplish nothing as a "leader"? Did I even attempt to reach out even when I had the chance? These kids deserve so much better and I'm scared because I don't think I'm good enough. All I think about now is them and how much they mean to me. I've come to realize how much I love these kids. How much they mean to me and how much I'm going to mean to them. I realize that God has put me in a position to where I'm at that gate with not a key, but with a sledgehammer. The walls are many but my strength is from Him. I'm simply scared to love these kids, to become attached, to become unconditionally in love with them because I don't want to see them hurt, embarrassed, sad, depressed, or hopeless. I want to see them succeed not only as students but as teenagers growing into adults. I was reluctant but now I'm in all the way. I don't know why I wrote this but it's been on my heart for a while! REVOLUTION BABY, GOD LEAD ME!
This was February?
I looked at this, and surprisingly enough, I still feel the same way.
I see broken hearts and I see people that are trying to reach out desperately to God..
I'm reaching my hand out, and so is God.
I see you Devil. I see you from across the room looking sly and tempting. I'll punch you in the face before I let you in my church.
Have a great night, and for anyone that runs across this, God Bless and be a difference in this world.
